Minor Leaguer is a movie with a 77-minute run-time and stars two Hockey Hall of Famers in Teemu Selanne and Brett Hull (who both play themselves) alongside lead actor Dan Comrie, who comes from a hockey family with multiple cousins that have played in the NHL.
I paid $5 to watch this out of morbid curiosity and it may be the worst money I’ve ever spent in my life.
The plot follows 34-year-old Jake McKay (Comrie), a hockey player who plays in an 8-team California league after failing to even make it in the ECHL, North American professional hockey’s third tier. McKay grew up idolizing Teemu Selanne and is ecstatic to learn that Selanne is buying the team he plays for and captains, only to discover that his former hero is an egotistical jerk that carries an ongoing feud with former rival Brett Hull. The film’s B-plot involves the team’s equipment manager, who happens to be McKay’s awkward 21-year-old best friend, starting a romance with the team’s new merchandise manager, a girl who knows nothing about hockey. Two other former NHL players also have bit parts as podcast hosts who conduct interviews throughout the film.
Despite all of this, there is zero hockey played at any point during the film. A hockey rink is never even shown at any point, not even in an establishing shot, montage, or as a video on the television. We never even see a character hold a hockey stick.
Below is a collection of things that happen throughout the movie with zero exaggeration. Normally I would put a spoiler warning, but reading what happens rather than having to sit through this nightmare is the preferable way of consuming its contents.
The word ‘fuck’ is said over 170 times in the 77-minute length of this film, with over 50 of those coming from Selanne and Hull. Minor Leaguer’s legendary 2.20+ f—s per-minute puts it ahead of films such as The Big Lebowski, Goodfellas, and Pulp Fiction.
Brett Hull’s introduction consists of him taking a piss on Selanne’s reserved parking spot sign, rather than pissing on the car itself (a red Ferrari that doesn’t even appear in frame during the pissing scene). It should also be noted that either Hull is either the most hydrated man on Earth, or the production team couldn’t even be bothered to hand him a bottle of apple juice to squirt during the scene as the liquid pouring onto the sign appears clearer than spring water.
It’s revealed that the reason Teemu Selanne was able to buy a team is because the previous owner was expelled from the league for getting caught stealing women’s panties from the laundromat.
Brett Hull suggests Teemu has a ‘four-inch d—k’ and would have only scored 25 goals in his record breaking rookie season if it weren’t for Tie Domi protecting him. Teemu responds by bribing the commissioner of the league with a trip to Cabo and buying him a ‘happy ending massage’ to prevent Hull from buying his own team.
It is heavily implied that Selanne jerks it to his own highlights and his Hall of Fame speech.
At one point, Selanne and his wife sit by the pool speaking Finnish to each other and no subtitles are provided. The editing team definitely had the technical ability to put in subtitles as all text messages sent and received throughout the film are displayed as unformatted white text at the bottom of the screen.
Despite no hockey appearing in the entire film, there are multiple montages set to country music of characters playing various other sports and games.
As mentioned earlier, the only woman with a significant role in the film is Amy, a character shown to not know a single thing about hockey. Her romance with the equipment manager (who carries the nickname ‘Sniff’ after a rumour about him sniffing jockstraps spread on the team) begins after he gives her hockey lessons, which consist of him teaching her a handful of slang terms. Amy is consistently revealed to be dumber than thought possible, believing everything anyone tells her, and existing solely as a B -plot love interest who spends most of her on-screen time having people explain things to her. During the date montage, she plays a single checkers move and it instantly loses her the game.
The complete list of all other women with speaking roles consist of the following seven characters:
Teemu’s Wife
Sniff’s Mom
The commissioner’s ex-girlfriend
A sex worker
A waitress
A low-cut-leopard-print-dress-wearing woman who owns multiple strip clubs
And a character credited simply as “One-Night Stand Woman”
It’s revealed that Selanne hates Hull because of a prank during the 1993 All-Star game when Jeremy Roenick put a mouse in Selanne’s hockey bag. Selanne then assumes Hull did it and rather than correct the error, Hull decides to simply torment Selanne for the next 30+ years.
Lead actor Dan Comrie is also listed as the film’s director, writer, producer and editor. The entire movie seems to exist so that he could hang out with Selanne and Hull. The one redeeming moment in the film is revealing that one of the league’s teams is called the ‘Modesto Ice Cowboys’ which is the single greatest name I’ve ever heard and now what I hope the NHL calls Utah’s new hockey team.
Let this be a warning to you, do not waste your time and money watching this nightmare that only qualifies as a movie by the absolute loosest definitions of the term. There are commercials with better plot, production value, and performances than this Venn diagram of a high school art project crossing over with a midlife crisis.
This movie shouldn’t even be watched ironically, Minor Leaguer is what its name suggests – not good enough.
