With the Canucks’ 2024-2025 regular season still a couple of months away, here are our predictions for the most absurd, outrageous, and unbelievable season that the team could have.
September: Coaches cut 95% of the roster.
After a poor training camp that sees most players arrive out of shape and not ready to play, Head Coach Rick Tocchet and the rest of the coaching staff decide to do the most unbelievable thing possible — cut every single player on the team. The only one whose job is saved is Dakota Joshua, having kept with him Coach Tocchet’s reminder to “pick it up.”
October: Canucks lose their home opener 8-1.
Like a cruel twist of fate, the home-opener arrives and delivers a punch right to Canucks Nation’s face. The roles are reversed as the Canucks are the team beaten 8-1 in their first game of the season rather than being the ones to beat a team by that margin. Who knows, maybe this outcome could propel the Canucks to a Stanley Cup Final as well.
November: Canucks lower beer prices to $5.
This one may be the most outrageous prediction of them all. Due to their slanted home opening loss, the Canucks see a dip in attendance numbers and are forced to do the one thing that would bring fans back to Rogers Arena — lowering the prices of beer. Ticket prices remain the same price, however.
December: Canucks are caught spying on other teams with a drone and are forced to spend their Christmas break doing Travis Green-styled bag skates.
A member of an opposing team spots Fin flying a drone around their practice facility and exposes them to the NHL. Subsequently, the league deems that the Canucks will be punished for spying on opposing teams’ practices, with the result being that they will have their Christmas break taken away. As an added punishment, the NHL hires Travis Green to make the team do his infamous bag skates, including the Canucks’ current coaching staff.
January: Canucks go 15-0 on the month.
In what may be their most challenging stretch of the season, the Canucks do the same thing they did the previous season — have a stellar winning record in January. While jokes aside, it would be great for the team not to register a single loss in one month’s worth of games, it’s unlikely they are able to do this in a month that has them playing games every second day.
February: Canucks don’t make a trade a month before the NHL Trade Deadline.
A recent pattern that has occurred is the month-early trade deadline movements that Canucks President of Hockey Operations, Jim Rutherford, and General Manager, Patrik Allvin, tend to make. From their dealing of Bo Horvat in 2023 to their acquisition of Elias Lindholm in 2024, there hasn’t been a season where they haven’t gotten ahead of trade deadline movements as part of the Canucks. Maybe this is the season that they decide to try their hand at “running out of time.”
March: Canucks make a last-minute move to acquire Sidney Crosby.
With three minutes left before the trade deadline passes, Rutherford and Allvin make the move to acquire Canadian hockey legend Sidney Crosby. His presence in the lineup does wonders for their playoff aspirations. Crosby Canucks jerseys sell for over $300.
April: Brock Boeser scores 90 goals by the end of the regular season.
Having heard that he wasn’t “living up” to his expectations as a 30-goal scorer prior to the 2023-2024 season, Brock Boeser decides to triple that amount and scores 90 goals on the season. His highest goal counts are when he notches five goals per game against the Toronto Maple Leafs, who coincidentally start Matt Murray during these games.
May: Every single playoff series that the Canucks play in goes to seven games.
The Canucks make a name for themselves in the playoffs, taking down their opponents and advancing throughout each round. However, to do so, every single one of their series goes to seven games. By the end of the playoffs, players are practically begging for a break.
June: Canucks are about to win the Stanley Cup, but a meteor hits the Earth and prevents them from doing so.
In an oh-so Canuck-like fashion, Vancouver is only a couple of minutes away from winning the Stanley Cup on home ice. But before they can do so, scientists get word of a sudden meteor hurtling towards Earth at a breakneck speed. The players are only barely able to evacuate before the meteor crashes into the ice, coincidentally sending a puck into Vancouver’s net. The Stanley Cup Final is ruled as inconclusive.
July: Canucks don’t bring back any of their restricted or unrestricted free agents.
After the meteor frenzy that prevented the Canucks from winning the Stanley Cup, the team is so shaken up that none of the players opt to return to Vancouver. They take it a step further by signing with the Toronto Maple Leafs, fulfilling the Brad Treliving circle that seems to make itself prevalent every year or so.
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