Being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan is the hardest thing one can do. The Forrest Gump “box of chocolates” reference is tired, so here’s how I’ll put it – being a fan of this hockey team is like having a conjoined twin that follows you around all day, giving you gifts and then socking you in the stones seconds later. Between the glory days of the early 2000s (a time I was still learning to walk during), and the Auston Matthews era, fans of all generations have been alive to see a tremendous amount of talent pass through this team. Still, the number one thing associated with this team is “pain”.
Whether it’s the multiple first-round exits, the Zamboni driver game, the 2013 collapse, the “truculence” Brian Burke era, the “draft schmaft” Cliff Fletcher days, the John Ferguson Jr “let’s trade Tuukka Rask because we believe Justin Pogge is the goaltender of the future” days, or just the simple fact that this team hasn’t won a Stanley Cup since 1967, there’s a bottomless bag of reasons that contribute to the Leafs being the longstanding butt of the joke.
During the day, I’m a radio show producer for 610 CKTB out of St. Catharines. Right next door to our studio is legendary Southern Ontario rock station 97.7 HTZ FM and my two work dads, Matt Soper and Carl Brown of the Soper and Brown show. Earlier this week, the three of us collaborated on a survey to find out what extent Leafs fans would go to if it guaranteed seeing an ever-so-coveted Stanley Cup. We surveyed 50 people and had them answer a list of hypotheticals, and the results were shocking. Or, not shocking. Whichever you prefer.
If you want to listen to the full segment, it’s available here as well as on your streaming platform of choice. There were a few questions I couldn’t include for PG purposes, so catch the full segment if you want the full experience, complete with voice notes and predictions.
Question 1: Would you live in prison for a year if it meant seeing the Leafs win a cup?
RESULT: 82% yes, 18% no
Some people elected for a simple yes or no, others elaborated. Here are some answers from the people who said yes.
Passion Wagon Coley: “Hell yeah, I mean, prison’s awesome, I’d love to go back, good bunch of guys, play some road hockey.”
Keegan from Waterloo: “Yeah, I’d spend a year in prison. They’ve got education there and three square meals a day, so, yeah, sure. Why not?”
@PaisanoRomano on Twitter/X: “If the Leafs win the Cup I’ll probably end up in prison anyway, so yes.”
I will always appreciate someone who can make the best of a situation like that. Having said that, it’s not for everyone. Here are some answers from the people who said no.
@NicholasKawa on Twitter/X: “Depends on the type of prison. If it’s like a Florence Supermax, no, but if it’s like a prison they have in Sweden where it’s kind of like a Comfort Inn, then yes.”
@nadrojhtov on Twitter/X: “No. I think the Leafs have already put me through enough. I’m not going to prison for a year.”
Nick in Kitchener: “I’m gonna have to say no on that. I value my freedom quite a bit.”
Honestly, how can you argue that point?
Question 2: Would you cut off one of your fingers for a Leafs cup?
RESULT: 53% yes, 47% no
Here are some answers from people who said yes.
@DeCheekz on Twitter/X: “Yes, on my right hand. I play guitar.”
@jakebeleafs on Twitter/X: “Yes, I would chew it off with my own teeth.
Passion Wagon Coley: “Yes, I mean, I have ten of them, so I’m pretty sure I could work with nine.”
Good to know that Leafs fans are a little more hesitant to accept a free Cup when dismemberment is involved, but it’s still flat-out insane that over 50% said yes. Here are some answers from those who said no.
@NicholasKawa on Twitter/X: “If it’s one I actually need to use, no. Actually, maybe a pinky.”
@nadrojhtov on Twitter/X: “No, there are nights where I feel like this team wouldn’t risk breaking a nail, so I’m not cutting off one of my fingers. Forget it.”
Keegan in Waterloo: “No, I don’t hate myself that much.”
Question 3: Would you cut off a hand for a Leafs cup?
RESULT: 22% yes, 78% no
Here are some answers from people who said yes.
Mark in Burlington: Look, I’m a righty, but I’m also a lefty, I’m a lover, I’m also a fighter…would I cut off my hand? Yes.”
Passion Wagon Coley: “Yeah, I could just get a prosthetic made of wood, real sturdy, don’t even worry about it. Plus, you don’t need hands anyway. It’s all in the hips.”
Love the Happy Gilmore reference. Rest in peace, Carl Weathers. Here are some answers from people who said no.
Keegan in Waterloo: “If cutting off my fingers is too far, then no.”
@LebronMaclean on Twitter/X: “No. I’m trying to get back into golf so that I have something else trivial in my life to be irrationally annoyed at.”
@kylegrimard on Twitter/X: “No, I can’t do that. Draw the line there. Not cutting off a body part for the Leafs. Love them though.”
Question 4: Would you cut off a foot for a Leafs cup?
RESULT: 8% yes, 92% no
Here are a couple of answers from people who said yes.
Mark in Burlington: “Listen, sometimes you gotta kick some ass, but if the Leafs win a cup, you don’t have to kick so much ass. Yes.”
Passion Wagon Coley: “Lot of dismemberment questions…I only have two feet and I’m assuming it’s going to be painful, but not nearly as painful as being a Leaf fan, so I’ll do it.”
@LebronMaclean on Twitter/X: “Maybe if it was painless and I got a cool bionic foot or something.”
Here are a couple of answers from people who said no.
Cody in Marmora: “I would not cut off a foot for a Leafs cup win, no.”
Nick in Kitchener: “Yeah, I don’t think I’m looking to lose any limbs for this team.”
@Frisbob on Twitter/X: “If I cut off my foot I wouldn’t be able to nervously pace while watching the Leafs.”
Question 5: Would you completely cut off communication with your family? You can never talk to a family member again. Would you do it for a Leafs cup?
RESULT: 60% yes, 40% no
Here are some answers from people who said yes.
@NicholasKawa on Twitter/X: “That would be pretty, so hell yes I would do that.”
Passion Wagon Coley: “They would understand.”
Mark in Burlington: “What family. Who? Mom? Don’t know her.”
Here are some answers from people who said no.
Vicken Polatian, TLN: “No. It’s close though. I’d cut off a bunch of friends. Family, no.”
Nick in Kitchener: “I don’t think I would do that.”
Cody in Marmora: “I will not take that deal. No chance.”
Question 6: Would you get the Mike Tyson face tattoo? You can never have it removed.
RESULT: 85% yes, 15% no
Here are some answers from people who said yes.
Nick in Kitchener: “Yeah, it looks cool. I think I could do that.”
Mark in Burlington: “Come on, it’s the Leafs winning the Cup baby.”
@nadrojhtov on Twitter/X: “I will do that. That would not be very difficult for me. I already have an Auston Matthews tattoo, so not a huge ask. I can do that.”
Here are some answers from people who said no.
@kylegrimard on Twitter/X: “If it was like the legit Mike Tyson face tattoo around the eyes, I don’t think so. But maybe if it was a couple of smaller face tattoos like Post Malone has.”
@GoLeafsGo1985: “Nope, especially if I can’t have it removed.”
@LebronMaclean on Twitter/X: “This one might be a problem since I have to appear in court for a living.”
Question 7: Would you give up your home? Wherever you live, you have to leave. You’re not homeless, you just have to find somewhere else to live immediately.
RESULT: 70% yes, 30% no
Here are some answers from people who said yes.
@nadrojhtov on Twitter/X: “I live in Winnipeg, so you’d be doing me a favour.”
Vicken Polatian, TLN: “Yep, absolutely. No question about it. I’m sure other Leafs fans would let me in too, if the Leafs won the cup.”
@Frisbob on Twitter/X: “I’d be calling my Nonna to crash on her couch.”
Here are some answers from people who said no.
Cody in Marmora: “No, I wouldn’t give up my home. I like the house I built.”
There you have it. Leafs fans, no matter how minuscule the percentage, will stop at nothing if it means bringing home a Stanley Cup. The fact that anybody at all said they would cut off a limb if it guaranteed a Yonge Street parade goes to show how much pain this team has put us through, and how far we’re willing to go. Someone should print this article and post it in the Leafs’ locker room.
A big thank you to everybody who took part in the survey and to 97.7 HTZ FM and the Soper and Brown show for helping bring this to life. It’s nice to have data out there that shows just how sick in the head Leafs fans are, and the lengths they’ll go to in order to watch somebody else win something.
